Why Standardized Tests Are Stupid and Make Me Want to Club Baby Seals With Dead Kittens

Harsh title? Maybe. I feel harsh right now.

This week, my students are taking a particular flavor of standardized test. I hate standardized tests. I UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAVE THEM, so please don’t e-mail me and explain it. I understand why we have urban decay, a hole in the ozone layer, and teen smoking—that doesn’t mean I think they’re swell.

This one day, the students are taking one test on one particular educational strand. The evidence is overwhelming that one assessment is never a good measure of… well, pretty much anything. (Don’t believe it? See Wormeli, O’Connor, Stiggins, etc., etc., etc…).

Did they stay up late watching the big game/TV show/Internet whatever?

Did they eat breakfast? A healthy one?

Are their parents in the middle of a divorce?

Are the test questions and multiple-guess choices well-worded, or were they pushed through as-is because the company who made them had time and budget constraints and couldn’t/wouldn’t/won’t go back and make much-needed repairs?

Did another class forget to walk quietly through the hallways as they passed my group (probably because they, too, have been in testing and, as a result, have WAY more excess energy than they usually have)?

Should I go on?

How about this: when I was a child, we took the California Achievement Test (despite the fact that we lived in New Hampshire… don’t even get me going…). I could not tell you what my scores were like.

Have I measured up to them?

Should I care if I measured up to them?


[Note for PETA, NSPCA, etc. - I would never--nor would I advocate anyone else--club baby seals with anything, let alone dead kittens. That is the point--that things have gotten so out of hand that I am prompted to act in a way that is completely contrary to my nature. Stop taking yourselves so seriously and go save the whales, ok?]